I have a general rule of thumb about purchases: If the person is smiling on the package, don't buy it. It's a lie.
Example: Textured ceiling paint. It is not easy, should not be done in a button-down shirt and dress pants, and will not come out with a professional look.
Example two: Tilt in windows. No one smiles when cleaning windows. Come on,, people. My windows were so dirty I ruined my clothes when I was cleaning. I was pretty mad. And then it rained, and then I had to clean the windows again. I am happier closing the curtains.
Example three: Any parenting magazine. If the adult is smiling, it is probably the nanny or babysitter, because that person is paid to smile. Parents do not smile when there is spaghetti all over the floor and play-doh smashed into carpet.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. I would rather be at home stepping on toys and pulling a muscle fishing a toy out from behind the couch than not, but this is not "smile on my face, everyone jump on the bandwagon, you should try this easy-as-pie-done-in-an-hour kind of job with a gourmet meal and make-up on feel sexy and wonderful at the end of the day" deal. And let's all be honest about it.
I know GREAT moms. They will tell you they are not, but they are. But the fact of the matter is, ALL moms have rough days. I don't know that I am great (I am certain you would not see me smiling on the package of "Motherhood"). Today was not especially rough, either, but it was still an emotional challenge. Two minutes after Blake 'put on his listening ears,' he informed me that 'these listening ears turn off really fast.'
Yup. (Cue, "If I need to say this one more time......")
It was just one of those days where, as a mom, I just feel like I am never going to get it right. At 2:30 there were still dishes from breakfast on the counter, and I felt like I had not done anything remotely involved with my children. We had taken a bath, packed lunches for the next day and picked out outfits for school, so it was productive, but like my kids care about productive. Reading for the day was related to homework for preschool, and I could not understand why Erick wanted to memorize a book rather than learn the words. "READ, look at words! Reading is for eyes, not for ears!"
I was in the home with my boys, but boy, I was not mothering.
"I am terrible at this. And someone said I was fit to be a mother," was all I could think. I get tired of yelling. I get tired of repeating myself. I get tired of cleaning up toys. I get tired of being excited about superheros falling in dramatic style. I get tired of being interrupted going to the bathroom. I get tired. I get tired of wondering if this is how it is supposed to be. I get tired of wondering what I should do different or better or not at all.
But this is who I am. This is who they are. This is the struggle of motherhood.
I told my boys I am sorry today. Not for putting them in timeout, but for telling them I don't always do what is right, either. I told them I get frustrated. I told them I love them. I gave myself a "hugging timeout" with them today. I need that some days. I just need to hug them and tell them the good things about them and soak them in.
I watched my boys play in the snow. They rolled down a snow drift and looked to the sky and let snowflakes tickle their eyes. They laughed. They ran. They played. Freely. I don't know how to be a great mom, but they know how to be GREAT at being kids. I guess as long as they know that, it's okay. I need to let that be okay too.
If I need to sell a new mom on motherhood, I won't smile on the package, because some days it is hard. (Okay, all of them). It is still worth it. And it does bring a smile to my face. But, man, do I screw it up. Let's be honest, I think we all do at some point. As parents, we need to all keep it real that way. I don't mean drown in our faults, but at least let each other know it will be okay. Parenthood brings new meaning to "no one is perfect." We need to stop fooling ourselves and give everyone a break.
If anyone packages "childhood" with a smile on it, though, that one will be worth buying. God, let me never forget that.
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