The truth about blogging....

When I started this blog I thought my life would appear as interesting as others' lives on blogs I read.  Not even close.  Or maybe it's just how I write.  Or what I choose to write.  Or what I choose not to write.  The fact is, just writing stuff and having it show up online does not make it interesting.  (For the very few who have viewed this site, please do not feel the need leave an insulting comment after this post).

The other fact is, I have a hard time putting a lot of things out there.  Perhaps somethings in my life are more interesting, but I am not ready to let the whole world know the intimacies of my thoughts and experiences.  Nor have I found a way to protect the privacy of others' lives who connect with mine to write about how their lives affect my thoughts and actions.

I feel like I have a lot of good, memorable thoughts throughout the day.  But I don't always have a computer.  The thought fades before completion.  Then, by the time I get to the computer the thoughts and events seem so contrived that I feel like they are no longer mine.  I could try and make moment into a post, but the point is to have a record for others to look back on this and see me, not some made-up attempts at wisdom and insight and entertainment.

Regardless of intentions, I am still figuring all this out.  But I am going to keep trying this on for size until I know what fits.  Because, as I said, someday this will all be important.  Maybe.  To someone.  Even if just for me.

Coffee thought

Since I am on spring break and my boys are at school, I get a little time to do things at my own pace.  So I get to take my time drinking coffee today.  This means I can have a cookie with my coffee without my boys knowing (because we are not allowed to have cookies for breakfast).  I also have a big, fat pile of whipped cream on top of my coffee.  (I must say the whipped cream topping the coffee is WAY better than the white snow topping the ground on the first day of April in Ohio.)  Then to make my coffee even more of a special treat there are fresh chocolate shavings on top.  Even if it is only a grated Hershey bar, it's pretty gourmet for home.

This led me to think:  You know how at restaurants the servers always come around and offer fresh ground black pepper or freshly grated Parmesan cheese for your food?  Everyone knows the server could ask when your order was taken if you would want this added.  They could bring a pepper mill or a side of cheese, but there is a reason they do this at the table for you.  I don't know exactly what it is, but it makes me feel a little special.  So, I think someone should come around and offer freshly shaved chocolate for coffee.  Wouldn't you agree that would be a nice addition to the day?  Yea, I could order coffee like in the picture, where the chocolate shavings or caramel swirl already comes on the coffee, but to have chocolate shaved onto the whipped cream or coffee right in front of me....  In just the right amount for my taste and need for chocolate in the day....  Mmmm...

In the meantime, I will keep a little chocolate handy to brighten my coffee any day on my terms.  But I'm just sayin', someone should really consider this idea.

Looking out for Mom

Erick is by far my sensitive one.  He is a people pleaser, too.  And he looks out for me.

The poor little fella was sick this week, and I probably gave it to him.  The good ol' 24 hour stomach flu.  He was miserable.  He does not like to throw up--but most people don't.  I wasn't worried about getting sick, since I already had it, but Erick doesn't understand how the whole viral thing works yet.

As I got close to give him a kiss and make sure he was okay as he lay uncomfortably snuggled under a blanket on the couch, he simply cried and said, "Mommy, I don't want you close to me."

I was crushed for a moment.  My poor, sick son didn't want his mom.  "Why not, honey.  What's wrong?"

"I just don't want you to get my cold."

Thanks for looking out for me, Erick, but you should know--even if I hadn't been sick already--wild horses can't keep mommy away from her sick child.  Let the world off your shoulders, babe.  Mommy will be okay.  Let me help you be okay, too.

Favorite Things

Erick and Blake were sitting at the table chatting while Erick worked on a puzzle.  Erick so enjoys putting things together.

"I love puzzles.  Puzzles and Legos,"  Erick commented.

"I like puzzles,"  Blake answered.  Then thought a couple seconds.  "Puzzles and shows and snack and movies...."  (Yes, shows and movies are two separate things in this house.)

"You like books, too, Blake," I chimed in.  Not that he doesn't know what he likes, but I wanted to make life seem more than just shows and movies and food--generally while watching something.

"Oh, yeah.  And books.  (long pause)  And sleep.  I love sleep."

I laughed, because his list is so true.  And now I also know why Blake does not decide anything else on his own about daily activities and allows his brother to choose.  Because as long as it does not mess with his shows or food he really doesn't care.

Expectations

Life for people I know has dished out terrible situations.  Imagine the worst--or at least close to the worst--and it seems as it has happened to people I know.  Some closer than others, but regardless, my heart aches for each one.

Life is not dealing the hand to others that I expected.  Not just because it is not what would be happiest, but sometimes the thought of this much pain to so many good people....  What I see happening to others is devastating.  Others' parents with serious illness.  Friends with enormous loss.  Family with uncertain decisions.  Sometimes the weight of the world appears to be on their shoulders.

I cannot seem to carry any burden for them.  As much as I may offer to help with the baggage, I feel I can never truly lighten their load.  My waiting for that which is uncertain in my life is nothing compared to what other are experiencing.  I honestly feel like life just isn't fair.  Life often never seems to be.  Never seems to be what we imagined it would be or fair.

I don't know what I was expecting--but I know this wasn't it.

Me time

So, a night alone.  I mean TRULY alone.  No boys (big or little), no responsibility.  I get to watch NCAA basketball tournaments with no one yelling at the television (and I get to make my own comments to the television that relate to the success of my choices for the bracket.  Which, by the way, who would have ever picked a 12 and 13 seed to advance as the next match up in Round 2?  NO ONE picks that!!! I digress....)

So, I had a chance to go shopping.  I hate shopping. I  stopped into three stores within 20 minutes.  I did buy a wine glass, though, because I hate to drink wine out of cheap, wrapped up water glasses in a hotel. I did inform Derek of my purchase, and he told me to purchase enough glasses for a set of four since the glasses are only $4.  Now I need to shop again.  Not as bad if there is a purpose.

So, I had a random thought while I was out and about.  Well, actually I had a few.

I went to pick up dinner to take back to the hotel.  (I really do not care for sitting at a table by myself to eat.) As I was waiting for my food I looked out at the sunny, relatively warm patio of the restaurant.  It was after 6 o'clock, so the evening was permitting cooler air to settle in, but people obviously sat on the patio earlier when the sun brought more warmth.  The martini and wine glasses remained on a table of those who had dined earlier.  This made me wonder, "What do people think when they see Derek and I together at a table?"  So many times I look across the table at him.  I don't think about what others see.  (If people came into our house, they would not always see a pretty picture, let me tell you.  But that's marriage--not always pretty.)  I wonder if people see a couple who looks like they enjoy being together or simply are going out to dinner.  What do we look like to others?  How do I make people look at us and want to be 'that couple?'  Kind of like our wedding day, when people felt we were a couple who belonged together and reflected how love should be.

My thought wandered to how beautiful the weather was for Ohio, and I thought how nice it would be to take a walk with my husband and kids.  I miss them, but it is refreshing to have some time to myself.  I have only left my husband and my boys once in the past four years for an overnight.  I don't travel well, but sometimes it may be necessary.

Now I get to enjoy the random text from my sister and brother-in-law and phone call from my husband and boys.  I enjoy hearing them.  I enjoy the time for myself.  I enjoy the break from the ordinary and the chores.  I need to be refreshed once and a while.  But I look forward to returning home.

Head's up

Not that it really matters....

Yesterday was not a great day.  I received some awful news.  I laid on the couch with my face still an unattractive splotchy red from crying.  The cat hopped onto the couch and laid down beside me with his head toward mine and his behind toward my feet.  He curled up and purred.  He let me pet him and didn't move.  Even after I slept for hours.

So what?  Usually when the cat lays beside me I get his butt in my face as he watches TV.  It's nice to know even on the worst of days some dumb animal just knows to be there and give me the best even he has to offer.

Thanks, Pennzoil, for keeping your head up for me.